VATICAN CITY. Political commentator Rush Limbaugh resurfaced in the holy city yesterday, having cut short his honeymoon with his latest wife, Kathryn Rogers. An anonymous Vatican source stated that the radio personality was granted an annulment by the Pope himself due to undisclosed “irreconcilable differences” with the 33-year-old Florida party planner and direct descendant of John Adams.
After the annulment, his holiness, Benedict XVI -- seeking, say critics, to distract attention from further international molestation charges -- married the conservative commentator and his piano player, Sir Elton John.
The pop star arrived at the papal apartments in a Dolce & Gabbana chiffon gown, magenta aviator glasses, and a ruby-studded crucifix. The gown's train was borne by his bridesmaids, Boy George, George Michael, and Eminem (who gave John away). A beaming Mr. Limbaugh sported a Versace suit and a rainbow Rush No-Boundaries tie. Ditto ensembles were sported by his groomsmen: Glenn Beck, Larry Craig, Mark Foley, and Ann Coulter (who gave Rush away). After the ceremony, the bride performed “Don’t Let a Nun Go Down on Me” for His Holiness, who will give audience to Susan Boyle next month.
The last papal nuptials were performed thirty years ago by Benedict’s predecessor, John Paul II. Since then, Madonna and Michael Jackson, among others, have requested Vatican blessings and been rebuffed.
Fox News has speculated that the pontiff made an exception in the case of Limbaugh due to his strong anti-condom, pro-procreation stance. But MSNBC has reminded Rupert Murdock that the rhythm Methodist anchor has been married four times -- once to an aerobics instructor, another to a baseball usherette -- and remains childless, in spite of being a Viagra enthusiast. (In 2006, Limbaugh -- returning from the Dominican Republic, reputedly a popular sex tourism destination -- was detained by Palm Beach customs officials for possession of Viagra without a prescription. At the time, he was on probation for painkiller abuse and doctor shopping.)
The new Mr. and Mrs. Limbaugh -- John is said to be hyphenating now -- first met at Hawaii’s exclusive Kahala Resort during the ’09 holiday season. When returning to his Imperial Suite, the pop star ran into the commentator being rushed out of his Presidential suite on a gurney, suffering from an apparent heart attack. Ordering the panicked EMTs aside, the take-charge pianist revived the patient with CPR and mouth-to-mouth. The next day, Sir John -- still under fire from his embrace of Eminem and Axl Rose -- sent an arrangement and a Godiva cupid to the homophobic commentator at The Queen’s Medical Center.
After release from the hospital, Limbaugh exchanged e-mails with John. The entertainers share numerous medical problems relating to heart, hearing, baldness, and weight. Additionally, both are ex-addicts, exhibitionists, and erectile dysfunction sufferers. An insider says Rush (whose middle name is Hudson) confessed to Elton (whose middle name is Hercules) that his angina had come on right after he dropped a Viagra double while dancing au naturel in front of his mirror to the Bee Gees' "Stayin Alive." The Rocket Man recommended to the commentator a pacemaker like his own.
Limbaugh’s e-mails further reveal that he asked if Sir John might play "Daniel" and "Our Song" at his spring wedding to Kathryn, the event planner. The Queen’s knight agreed, on three conditions: that, in his toast, Rush refrain from mentioning GLAAD, DOMA, or Barney Frank representing Uranus, not Massachusetts. Rush agreed, but had one condition of his own: that Elton not repeat his recent assertion to Parade magazine that Jesus was gay and had a foot fetish.
The two millionaire philanthropists then talked dollars and cents. Elton said he’d halve his usual retainer, taking a mere $1 million for his AIDS Foundation . Rush promised to donate the discount to his own Lymphoma Cure-a-Thon, and to ED research.
By the time the June nuptials arrived, the two celebrities had reportedly fallen in love. As for his bride-to-be, Limbaugh found out she’d voted for Obama. Which, according to Keith Olbermann, had nearly turned him back to painkillers and his black maid. Moreover, the party planner refused to sign a pre-nup. But the dittohead said I Do anyway. According to Maureen Dowd, he couldn’t say No to Clarence Thomas for fear that he might find hair on his Snapple.
Before the reception at the Palm Beach hotel that night, Hudson was seen weeping on Hercules’ shoulder. And vice-versa. After the rehearsal dinner, David, Elton’s filmmaker spouse of five years, had reportedly run off with Karl Rove, known to the former president as "Turd Blossom."
The cuckolded pop star climaxed his performance that night for the newly-weds and their 400 VIP guests with "Someone Shaved My Wife Tonight." While the bride break-danced with the chief justice and Limbaugh chased another Oxy-C with champagne, John sang, "You almost had your hooks in me, didn’t you, Sugar Bear?"
Afterward, the talk show host fled for his Gulfstream, his pianist in pursuit. Following a five-day honeymoon in Malawi where they toured orphanages and collected nose bones, the elopers flew to the Vatican to satisfy African adoption requirements.
"What God has joined together let no man put asunder," proclaimed the Pontiff.
"Amen," Hercules and Hudson whispered in unison.
Perez Hilton reports that the two stars, looking forward to parenthood, have returned to Malawi without Viagra or chest pains. - David Comfort
David Comfort is the author of three popular Simon & Schuster titles, and the recipient of numerous literary awards. His latest title from Citadel/Kensington, The Rock and Roll Book of the Dead, The Fatal Journeys of Rock's Seven Immortals, is an in-depth study of the traumatic childhoods, tormented relationships, addictions, and tragic ends of Elvis, Lennon, Janis, Morrison, Hendrix, Cobain, and Garcia.